Just Do You...

One foot in front of the other. Just get it done.  I can't believe I forgot my earbuds, this is going to be excruciating with no music.  I feel like a sausage stuffed into this shirt. Everyone can see my lumps and rolls.  Just keep walking. Watch the TV. No, Trump stuff is on, don't watch the TV. The elderly ladies beside me are walking faster than me and carrying on a full-out conversation. I'm sweating. Sweat is good. Keep going.  I swear those ladies behind me are whispering about me. Whatever. You're here right? Yeah, I'm here. I'm trying. It will get better. Should I run today or just walk? Maybe a little running, but don't overdo it.  Oh God, what do you do when Title 9's  "The Last Resort" bra isn't enough? That man is coming over to talk to the elderly ladies, please don't look at my boobs while I'm running.  God I hate running here where everyone can see me. Let's go back to walking.  Yeah, that's what I thought, he's going away now. Just keep walking. Why do you care what other people are thinking. Just do you. 

THAT was just a smattering of what was happening in my mind today during the 31 whole minutes I was on a treadmill at my gym.  While I finished and felt satisfyingly sweaty and pleased with myself for showing up for myself today, I can't ignore how much of my self-talk was worry. Worry about what other people would think of my body.  What others would think of my body while wearing snug-fitting clothing.  What others would think of my wiggles and jiggles. 

I am proud of myself for continuing to do what needed to be done despite the interference in my head.  There have been times when I've skipped the pool party, stayed home, or sat in tears on my beach towel because I was so worried about what someone else might think.  Of course, I should have been more concerned with what do **I** think about myself, as that was always and still is the root of the problem.  But hey, baby steps, right?  This is year 39, and I'm determined to hit year 40 with my head in the right place, and fully in the swing of just doing me. 

Taking Five

Sometimes I set out with grand intentions to write something brilliant, or profound, or insightful. Sometimes I walk around with an idea in my mind all day that is begging me to take five minutes to sit down and let it out. Sometimes I find myself talking to my students about how writing is a habit, yet failing to cultivate that habit in my own life around teaching, parenting, cooking, cleaning, and all of the other things I tell myself are more important than my five minutes.

So... today, here I am. Taking five minutes to say something with intention as I've wanted to do so many times over the past weeks and months. While in Pennsylvania for vacation I bought myself some new books about writing, brought along a writer's devotional, and set aside a new notebook, but not one new thing came into being during those three weeks. Not once during that time did I let myself sit and process all of the ideas and images and experiences from our travels.

I came home feeling the usual end-of-vacation despair, the exhaustion of solo parenting for two weeks, then compounded those feelings with anger and disappointment at myself for yet again failing to make time for a few minutes of something that is mine.

I feel lighter already, having just sat down and taken five minutes from paper-grading, from child-overseeing, from dog-scolding, and coffee-getting-colding to say what was on my mind.  Maybe I'll try it again tomorrow. :)

On Gratitude and the Process

So I am sitting here taking a stab at re-arranging my too-small office/gym into a functional configuration, watching the sun filter through the blinds too long covered by a bookcase, sipping on my morning coffee and greens. I've vowed silence for myself until the little one wakes, simply because it is delicious. 

I take a deep breath. Repeat. I'm used to rising and jumping into my day with both feet. I long for a quiet, relaxed morning routine, but never take the time to provide it to myself before I let the day take me along in its current. On breath three, I'm hit with remembrance and with a profound gratitude for that breath because it occurs to me that it has been three years since I started loving someone else enough to love myself. Three years since I stopped doing the only thing I've ever truly regretted. 

I found a manifesto of sorts in my desk drawer this morning dated 5/12/2012 1:30am, one of my last cigarette quit attempts. Never in my life have I had to attempt something so many times to find success, much less at stopping something.

Many of my current friends never knew me as a smoker, and for that clean, fresh-scented start I am also grateful. Some friends knew me as a closet smoker, only discovering my secret after one too many beverages wore down my willpower. But most others, my family included, knew me with a something-Light between my lips or my fingers. 

I remember the bewildered looks I received at school as a teenager in 1994, the new stink of cigarettes attached to my clothes headed back inside for vocal rehearsal or play practice. I had no idea how hard it would be to walk away from that habit, and no idea how naive I was for starting in the first place. I was missing people. Some had moved on, some had tried to, and I was hurting. I had walked away from activities I loved, because I was in pain, and the scorn I was subject to only drove me further into my hurting and depression. 

It was then that I discovered this little friend. This little thing that I could tuck into my pocket, carry with me always, that would be there for me when any of those uncomfortable feelings began to surface. Because telling someone about my misery just felt impossible then, even when I was forced out of class by a well-meaning chemistry teacher to talk to the school psychologist. It feels unreal to even attempt writing all this now after so much time has passed, but that is sort of the point.

The process of starting and stopping smoking took me nearly twenty years! So many times I'd say, "This is the last time. This is the last one." So many times an argument, a disappointment, a break-up would come and off to the store I'd go, mentally beating myself the entire way.

I did not now how to manage my life as a teen, and then as an adult, without cigarettes. This problem was compounded when alcohol became part of my life as a young adult. It also took me a long time to determine the proper place of alcohol in my life, but that is for another day. Alcohol turned me into a chain-smoking machine on automatic pilot.

So back to clean air and gratitude. The knowledge of a child in my body was the catalyst for reclaiming my body and the process of learning to love myself. Many times during my pregnancy I lamented the damage already done to my body, the lack of love I'd shown myself so many times, and I vowed to do better. Faced with learning to be an adult and work through all my adult problems without aid of smoke or drink was daunting, and then not.  

Do I have a healthy fear of the pull of such a strong habit? I surely do. Unlike a college professor who used to stand outside the building and intentionally bask in the cloud of students smoking, 30 years after his last cigarette, I can't stand to be around smoke now. The smell is revolting to me now.   I wake incredibly disturbed when I have a rare dream where I am smoking, as some part of my brain is still identifying me as a smoker. That scares me just a little bit, but I wake up and look at my daughter and remember the powerful force of love that compelled me to stop and that love vanquishes fear.

Smoking was only one of the ways in which my insecurities and pains manifested themselves in my body, and I am working to move more, fuel better, and treat myself with kindness and patience in a way that I did not understand how to do in my younger years. We want our little to grow up with a strong sense of herself, with a confidence that I know I lacked, and with a resilience that might protect her from making some of the poor choices I made. No amount of nagging could have made or will make me change my ways. My motivation has to come from a positive place or I will fly in the face of whomever it is that is trying to take a negative tack with me. I'm wired that way it seems. Little is my positive. She is my motivation when I feel like I've run my tank of self-love a little too low.

So breathing in, I am grateful, full of love, and fear has no place here. This is how I will begin my days now, even on the rushed busy kind when there isn't an hour of quiet to begin. My hope is that this practice will help keep my tank just a little bit fuller.



Thanks for reading. If you have any thoughts or would like to share your own experience, I invite you to do so.

Dollars and Diet Reset Plan

Dollars and Diet Reset Plan 

Wishing you a Happy and Healthy New Year! After an ankle sprain in October threw me off the pursuit of my physical wellness goals, we tended towards eating out and I made a few too many trips through the Panera drive-through in the name of convenience and poor planning.

My YMCA scholarship expired just as I was offered a great rate (even lower than my YMCA scholarship rate including my daughter) with no start-up fee at L.A. Fitness. I have my first meeting with a trainer tomorrow and am hoping that Little One cooperates on her first day in the Kids Klub. I am excited to have access to a swimming pool and hot tub to enhance my strength and cardio workouts and might even try something crazy like Zumba once I have a bit more stability with my ankle.

Now, onto what I'm going to eat. I remember that Tosca Reno, author of the Eat Clean Diet said, "In the quest for weight loss or maintenance, it is 80% nutrition, 10% exercise and 10% genetics." And I know that 80% is why I haven't been seeing the results I wanted even without exercise.   

I know from past experiences with programs like eDiets.com (wayyy back in the day) that allowed me to mix a blend of fresh and prepared foods into a workable plan, that I needed something simple and straightforward that didn't require 100% cooking. January is a busy month for me as an online teacher. I'll be welcome a large group of new students while simultaneously working to finish a large group who lagged from the fall.  Sometimes I forget to eat, or end up wondering how that McDonald's cheeseburger ended up in my stomach causing me misery.  

So here is what I settled on. What I'm going to be doing isn't really earth-shattering, but it something I know I can stick to with and that is important to me.  There are a few clear rules. I've relied on Amy's Organic Kitchen to feed me over the course of the past 5 years or so when I'm in a pinch and need something quick. I've toyed with the idea of using their Amy's Diet Plan for a while and decided to go for it. (If you need Gluten Free and Vegan plans, those are available as well but have fewer meal options.) I do not have celiac disease or a diagnosed gluten sensitivity, but don't mind cutting gluten out when I can. 

Little One and I braved the Super Target New Year's Eve INSANITY to purchase two weeks worth of Amy's entrees, burritos, wraps, and soups. It ran me about $127 at Super Target. I added in a few cans of Health Valley's Gluten Free Veggie Noodle Soup and a couple of EVOL Shredded Beef Burritos as they were on sale and fit the caloric/fat/protein profile of an Amy's soup or burrito for an easy swap. So, $127 for two weeks for a core supply of organic, non-GMO food. Not bad I figure. I still need to go purchase my additional fruits, greens, nuts/seeds for snacks and with lunch or dinner. After spending close to $70 for two family meals out in the past three days, I felt ecstatic at the amount of food I bought for $127, which motivated me towards the second part of my plan.  

After I finish this first two week period, I plan on restocking on my next pay and going the rest of the month on this plan and have budgeted accordingly for that.   During the month of January I will be doing a financial fast (inspired my friend Ellen, who is a fitness guru and weight-loss champion and inspires me in many ways on this journey). This means that I will not be spending any money it is out of necessity (i.e. unexpected doctor co-pays) or prior obligation (i.e. bills). 

Here's the tough part.  This means no eating out; no coffee that isn't made at my own house, no $1 trinkets or extra toys or books for Little one at Target, etc.

My focus will be on putting money into paying down debt on a snowball system (smallest first then put that payment to next smallest and so on in the vein of Dave Ramsey or The Automatic Millionaire) and upping my savings goals. 

So that is it in a nutshell. Just to get me back on track with portion and calorie control, away from the cookies, cakes, and refined carbs of the holiday season. 

I am part of an accountability and encouragement group on Facebook, but wanted to tackle another resolution and provide additional documentation/accountability of my journey here for myself and to invite anyone who would like to share their ideas or their journey here as well.  I am toying with the idea of a Whole 30 for February but more on that later.  

This is a safe place and I am committed to fostering positive feelings and community in the new year here.  Welcome! 

An Open Statement to Those-Who-Don't-Get-It About What It Is They Aren't Getting

I posted the first two paragraphs below as a FB status and then the rest as a comment. The post got a fair number of likes, most notably from folks I know who are parents, many of them first time parents or those with children who are still fairly small (5 and under), or folks whose children are grown, but remember the things that only parents remember about these days...  


There are people in my life who don't understand that, since becoming a parent, my life is not as spontaneous and simple as it once was. Your needs change. Planning for the safe survival, much less thriving, of another person who is almost entirely dependent on you 24 hours a day is exhausting (seems like a no-brainer to me, but...). They don't see there is no "break" from this, it is constant. Even when I sleep, I am vigilant. They see what they want to see of my life, the cute baby pictures or small victories I take from the work day and share here. I give up on trying to help them "get it".

If you can't be bothered to communicate your needs, then you can't fault me for failing to meet them. If the rest of Facebook knows more of your plans than I do, then me over here grinding away at my work and trying to plan toddler snacks is not the problem. If you don't understand that my little person comes first ALWAYS, then I have nothing left to say to you. Done.

I know that my life will not always be like this, that she will not always be so dependent on SO or me for her daily survival, but at this stage it is what it is and I gladly give it all to her. She the BEST, most challenging addition to my life and I wouldn't trade a minute of it.  It is just disappointing because people that I perceived as "close" to me, family member included, the ones who don't "get" how much it take to pack a one year old for an overnight trip or plan meals for someone with 1.5 teeth, or all of the new things I am learning to do every day complain about how tired or stressed they are and, well, I might sound mean, but I kind of want to laugh in their faces! 

I enjoyed freedom to go and do whatever, whenever for quite some time now.  I spend ridiculous hours and money in bars having "fun".  In hindsight, those days were the biggest, emptiest, most meaningless wastes of my talents and time.  I'd rather be changing a dirty diaper, singing ABCs, or rocking a crying, teething baby to sleep than sitting in a smoky bar now.  It is hard, but it is worth it.  It is just lonely and frustrating sometimes when people don't understand the demands they make without thinking of how it is on this end.

Thanks for reading. I've been waiting to start for some time now. I guess I finally had something I needed to say.